They’re Figuring It Out
…or, how I’ve not had to directly come out to most of my friends.
A few months ago I came out to my best friend – I posted about it on AVEN, if you want to hear the (brief) story. However, since then I’ve not come out to any of my other friends. I’m not sure if my best friend has been talking about my asexuality when I’m not there, or if my friends have just been figuring things out by themselves, but recently I’ve been referred to as asexual on several occasions. Not in a bad way, I assure you, more in a ‘Yeah well, she’s asexual, she doesn’t need sex!’ or ‘You’re so asexual, lol’ way.
I had a sort-of coming out when I asked one of my friends if he was being serious when he referred to me as asexual, or if he was just being silly. He replied that he was being serious, and asked if it was okay if he called me that. I replied that it was fine, because I pretty much call myself that. He then went on to say that he’d discussed me with one of my other friends before, and they’d come to the conclusion that I was probably asexual.
I’m not exactly sure how this makes me feel. In some ways I’m not completely comfortable with all my friends commenting on my sexuality when I’m not even sure of it myself, but there are so many positives to the situation that I’ll just ignore that. Firstly, I don’t have to go through the awkwardness of coming out to them! I mean, I might have to officially do it at some point, but at least I know that it won’t be a huge surprise. Also, it makes me happy that my friends clearly already have some idea of what I’m really like and how I feel about sex – and they don’t seem to have any problems with that. That might be something you’d expect from friends anyway, but it can be hard to be sure if people will be as accepting as you assume.
I still haven’t spoken to my parents about my sexuality – but in a lot of ways I’m not sure I need to. I mean, is it really relevant to them? They already know I don’t want children, and they trust me enough to be safe if I WAS having sex, so I don’t feel any great urge to come out. I have no idea if my parents think I’m having sex or not – my mam knows I hang out with a lot of guys, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I have suspicions that my mam might be asexual herself, to be honest, as in the 9 years since my parents divorced she’s never had a boyfriend, or even dated at all as far as I know.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Fellow asexuals, did you have to come out to all of your friends, or did they guess? How did they react? I’d love to hear from anyone else who’s in or out of the asexual closet – even though I’m not entirely sure where I am. Standing in the doorway, maybe?
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Tags: asexuality, friends, serious
Feeling Good
One of the huge benefits of starting to understand my asexuality is that I’ve felt less pressure to dress/present myself in certain ways. I never really realised before how much of the stuff I was doing was purely to feel more ‘attractive’ to other people – even when just around my friends! Since then I’ve been able to tell myself that even though my hair might not look great, or the top I’m wearing might not be flattering, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t have to be CONSTANTLY trying to attract other people. Even if I see a gorgeous person while in the supermarket, so what? I’d almost definitely not talk to them anyway, and I will be around plenty more attractive people in my lifetime. I don’t have to think of every ‘hot’ guy I don’t talk to as a missed opportunity.
That’s all for today, really – I was just feeling positive about the fact that over the past few months I’ve been feeling a lot happier in my own skin and much less pressured to fake myself up to society’s standards of attractiveness. Also, I’m stressing about my A Level exam results which come out on Thursday, so wish me luck!
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Tags: attractiveness
Learning from the Other Side
I’ve recently been learning that one of the best ways to find out more about myself is to compare myself to other people. I ‘came out’ to my best friend a few weeks ago, and since then we’ve both been asking each other a lot of questions. Seeing how a sexual person’s mind works is really interesting, and so far has only gone to show how very different I am from that. I’ve also been listening more closely to when other people talk about sex, to try to work out how they really feel about it.
An interesting issue came up when I was talking about a trip that my best friend and I were going on. I mentioned something along the lines of ‘ooh, and you never know, there might even be some nice looking guys there too!’ My friend replied that she couldn’t really be bothered with hot guys, as she already had enough drama in her life. I was confused with this, as I had only meant that there might be some nice guys to look at, since we were going somewhere where we wouldn’t know many people and there might be some university students (which we both agree are generally more attractive than high school males, or at least they’re a little more mature).
But when I asked my friend about this, she replied that she’d assumed I meant we would be trying to chat up some guys, or get their numbers, or generally flirt with them. I said that no, I just meant we could look out for some good-looking ones, which might improve the day a little. She seemed to find that a little funny, and asked me: ‘But if you see a good-looking guy, don’t you get the urge to go over and talk to him? Doesn’t it feel like a waste if you don’t even attempt to say ‘Hi’ or something?’ Of course, my answer to that was no – I get just as much enjoyment (probably more, considering my poor skills at flirting) from simply seeing some attractive people, as from actually approaching them. To me, it’s like walking through an art gallery – sure, there will be some things that I’d like to take home with me, but generally I’m happy just to have experienced some beauty and have the memory of it. ‘Chatting up’ random people has never ever been a successful method of meeting someone for me, and the only times I ever do it is if I’m particularly drunk/bored or I’m doing it for fun with a friend.
This has just been a bit of a musing post, I know, but I hope you found it somewhat interesting. I’ll probably add more posts on topics that I’ve discussed with sexual people, as I feel it’s hugely important to be able to look at things from the other side. It’s easier to learn about how and why asexuals are different by comparing them to what is considered the ‘norm’ in today’s society – which, as the ‘norm’, is often never discussed or investigated in detail.
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There is a huge amount of discussion in the asexual community about how people realised they might be asexual, and how exactly someone knows if they are or aren’t asexual. For me, one of the hardest parts about coming to identify as asexual was that it’s so hard to confirm to yourself that what you feel is correct.
When I first started to look into asexuality, I found that what I was searching for was some sort of ‘checklist’ to tell me if I was asexual or not. I wanted a test or quiz to take, with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ result, or at least some sort of probability score. Soon enough I realised that it’s just not possible to do this, because asexuality is a complex idea that differs from person to person. We’re all humans, so we’re all unique.
It’s very hard to define asexuality past the standard definition of ‘a person who does not experience sexual attraction’. Beyond that, there are countless versions or ‘levels’ of asexuality – some people are completely repulsed by sex, whereas some don’t mind the idea or are inquisitive about different types of sexual behaviour. Some asexuals enjoy physical affection, some don’t like to be touched at all. This complexity means that for someone questioning their sexuality, the only real way to define yourself is to look at how you feel.
The difficulty in looking at how we feel is that for a lot of people, we’re not used to considering just our own feelings and thoughts. This might sound silly, so I’ll give an example. Say I want to apply for a new job – am I just choosing to do this because I want to? Maybe, but probably not. I’ll probably have also considered the status the new job gives me, so I’ve thought about how society and my peers feel. I might have considered the consequences of leaving my old employer, who might be a good friend of mine – so I’ve considered how they feel. My parents might have been pressuring me to move on to a better job… and the list goes on. We’re all used to taking into account other people’s feelings and opinions, so to understand something as personal as your own sexuality often requires a lot of deep thought that many people aren’t used to.
Another problem is that it’s hard to define and confirm something that’s essentially a ‘lack’ of something (of course by this I don’t mean that asexuals are ‘lacking’ in any way!). In other areas of life we tend not to identify ourselves as being non-whatevers, for example: I’m not compelled to play, watch or be a fan of football, but I don’t tell people I’m an ‘afootballer’. I realise being a football fan is different to your sexuality, but it’s still (at least for men where I live) a large part of life, which someone might feel pressured to take part in, and that other people would expect them to feel left out of. I don’t want to make a sweeping statement about homosexuality, but I’d like to make the suggestion that perhaps it’s easier to confirm because while homosexuals experience a lack of attraction to the opposite sex, at the same time they do feel attraction to the same sex. Does this make things easier or harder? Nobody can really know, I suppose.
My final point for today is that one of my own troubles in confirming my asexuality was that I’m still relatively young, and I find it hard to imagine how I’ll feel in the future. I imagine that I’ll always feel the same way, but I don’t really know yet. I eventually came to the conclusion that to me, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve figured out how I feel right now, and I can’t see it changing any time soon – and that’s enough for me. I’ve found a community of intelligent, kind people that have embraced me for who I am, and I have my whole life ahead of me to figure out exactly what I want. Not everyone has such good fortune!
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Tags: asexuality, serious
Aesthetic attraction – or is it?
After identifying as asexual, which means I’m not attracted to people sexually, I assumed I was attracted to people aesthetically – after all, I still think to myself that people are ‘hot’ or ‘gorgeous’. However, after looking at this more closely, I’m not sure it’s the case.
Firstly, what is aesthetic attraction? I would define it as being attracted to someone purely because of the way they look. It might also be called ‘physical attraction’, but to me that’s being compelled to be physically close to someone, not necessarily in a sexual way. I’m considering whether or not I’m attracted to people because of their appearance, and if not, what is it that I’m attracted to?
One of the things that supported my idea that I’m aesthetically attracted to people is that I can look at pictures of ‘hot’ people and think ‘Wow! Yum! He/she is so good looking!’. However, a lot of the time this isn’t followed by ‘I’d love to know them better’ or ‘I’d love to have them as a partner’. Often I just like to look at them, just as I’d like to look at a good painting or great piece of architecture, so that isn’t attraction – it’s appreciation of beauty.
I’ve found that when I look at a picture of a person and DO feel attracted to them, it’s usually because I know other things about them. For example, I can look at a picture of George Clooney and be attracted because I’ve seen him in films and interviews, and know that he’s charming and funny, both traits that I like in men. At the same time, though, I do think he has an appealing face, a lovely smile and great eyes. Similarly I can look at a picture of Christina Aguilera and be attracted to her because of her great body and face, while also knowing I love her voice and think she’s a great dancer, as well as acting confident, again all qualities I’m attracted to in women. Does this mean I wouldn’t be attracted to people like this if they were bad at acting or singing, or rude? I’m not sure. I would probably still find them physically pleasing, but I don’t think I would be attracted to them.
So what about people I know nothing about? It’s still possible for me to be attracted to a stranger in the street, or a photo of someone I’m seeing for the first time. When I thought hard about my reactions to people and what attracts me to them, I’ve found that there are certain physical features that appeal to me, and these are linked to qualities or traits I assume the person might have because of them. For example, I’m attracted to people with an alternative, ‘rocker’ look, like men with longer hair or women in lots of eyeliner, because I assume that they will have similar musical interests to me and be open-minded and so on. I’m attracted to feminine-looking men because of the typical assumption that they are more caring and affectionate. Does this count as aesthetic attraction? I’d class it as something different.
I don’t know what name to put on it, but I feel that while I do appreciate good looks, most of the time my attraction to people is based on more than just aesthetics. Of course, I’m attracted to people for many other reasons than appearance, and I’ve been attracted to many physically ‘unattractive’ people, but I’ve found that when I do think I’m attracted to someone’s appearance, it’s usually because of assumptions I’ve made about them based on their appearance, not just how good looking I think they are.
I don’t know if this is closely linked to my asexuality, or if it’s something that sexual people can relate to as well. I’ll be discussing different types of attraction, how they relate to asexuality, and how I feel about them, in future posts.
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Tags: asexuality, attraction, serious
‘I’d Rather Eat Cake’
Currently, I identify as asexual. If you don’t know what that is, I suggest you go and take a look at AVEN, as there’s lots of information there. Anyhow, one of the in-jokes on the AVEN boards is that most asexuals would rather eat cake than have sex. I do like cake, but it’s not one of my favourite things, so here are a list of ten things I’d prefer to do over having sex with someone.
Things I Would Rather Do Than Have Sex
1. Go to my local pub for the pub quiz with a group of friends, drink a few glasses of wine, then while walking home tipsy, look up and see a beautiful night sky.
2. Read a damn good book, and be able to do so without interruptions.
3. Spend a whole day in my pyjamas and dressing gown.
4. Eat a large amount of pepperoni pizza.
5. Go to the cinema.
6. See one of my favourite bands play live.
7. Be able to hit ’snooze’ and have a long lie in.
8. Have an in-depth conversation with someone about something that really matters to them.
9. Sunbathe while listening to my iPod.
10. Bake some cakes (well, cake had to be involved somewhere!).
How about you?
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Tags: asexuality, fun, sex
